bad taste in men

I’ve had this blog for a few years and never quite seriously looked at it. I just went through the search engine terms and, no surprise, my most popular post is the one about umberto eco. second highest search was for a post i had called “bad taste in men”.

I’ve had quite a disastrous streak with men. Been a mistress, been engaged to a man I didn’t love, been a fuck buddy. I am now just looking for something that feels right.

I am somewhat asexual. My sexual organs are working, no problem. But I am usually mentally disconnected from any sexual acts, such a masturbation and the actual act of coitus. “What does this mean?” Well, I guess it’s hard to admit out loud but I never actually think about sex and when I do is doesn’t turn me on. Sex for me is rather a sensual act and a physical reflex. And I think that that, in itself, plays a big role in why I have “bad taste in men” or “dysfunctional relationships”. I fall in love with the mind but not what it comes in. Mechanical robot here.

I have also recently read about the Law of Attraction, which reminded me of The Secret. Once I tell you about it, it’ll probably sound familiar. But with time and experience (and enough self-reflection), you notice patterns. I would say that most of the good things that have ever happened to me was through sheer luck, like a 20$ bill when I’d been begging for money all day and only got pennies and small change (I am not homeless! Just an example to describe how I feel when I’ve fallen so low, there’s nowhere else to go).

The point is to “give up” or “let go”. More precisely, to accept that life sucks, shit happens, take it in stride, smile, don’t retaliate or wallow – in short, turn this negative energy into positive energy – and most importantly follow your intuition. The best way to get what you want is actually not to ask, but just give as much as you can without asking for anything in return. Eventually, it’ll create karmic debt (cause what goes around, always comes around) and this will all be returned to you. If you don’t ask then how can they give you what you want? It’s simple, karma will want things to happen for your own good and if your heart is where it should be, you will be able to recognize it when it comes your way.

For example, I graduated university two years ago and have been wondering around. I wanted to teach ESL in Asia cause I wanted to travel and be paid for it. I wanted to lead an interesting life and make people jealous. I wanted to change and break out of this image that everyone had of me and I wanted to do it in another country and become a new person. I had my eyes set on S. Korea but – here’s where I have to say more about myself – I am a Chinese-born Canadian. And I had a hard time finding a job because I didn’t look foreign. I applied to a couple of place in Thailand, Taiwan, one place in Japan and everywhere in S. Korea. Only Japan ever called me back. So I went for it even though my heart wasn’t in it. The process took about 3 months. I got there, didn’t know anything about Japanese life, I had a roommate and I was sorely disappointed by the lack of amazing “international friends” I was going to make. The next day, I got to meet the rest of the teachers and was disappointed by how small the group was. When I was in Japan, I wanted to blog but I was going to spend two months without Internet and that really frustrated me. I was in a new country! I was cool and no one back home was gonna know about my new adventures and my new friends. We started with an intensive 2 weeks training, I hate the curriculum they had. Changed the Alphabet song to HIJKLMN (yes, they cut it at N instead of P). All the teachers would get home and plan lessons all day long (after 9h training days) and I was threatened to be fired every single second of the training. And then, after 10 days, I was. Did I even visit Tokyo/Kyoto/Osaka before coming back? No, I had no interest in Japan honestly and I was feeling stifled and oppressed in that environment. “The nail that sticks out but be hammered back in” is a popular saying in Japan. And I can attest to that. I came back broke and decided to spend a year at home (absolutely no traveling) to work my ass off, save money and gain useful skills that could maybe help me find a job in the UK or Australia. So I worked at a call centre and at Subway. I was also volunteering with two organizations, one where I was an assistant teaching assistant for ESL and another where I took care of children from the young age of 7 months up to 6 years old. I realized that I didn’t like kids and wanted to focus on becoming a high school English teacher. It’s what I wanted to do when I was in high school but I didn’t want to go to school anymore. Now I just one or two years away from this dream. It is definitely within reach. Being in Japan made me realize I had really low self-esteem. During my first class, one of my students yelled the word “boring” multiple times and kicked a ball around the classroom. I broke down and gave up, all under the watchful eye of the person who was supposed to evaluate me and tell them if I’d be a good teacher. I found out later that he was yelling out the word “bowling”. For the Japanese, L and R are the same letters. I freaked out and gave up for nothing. As an assistant ESL teacher, I realized just how much I enjoyed it and how I could probably spend the rest of my life doing this. I applied to JET, the big government program that sends university graduates to Japan to be assistant language teachers for HIGH SCHOOL!!! My dream job. and it was going to pay well. After the long application process, I was rejected after the interview stage and took it really hard. I half-heartedly applied to a couple of places after that, because I didn’t want to wallow in defeat and, lo and behold, I got my actual dream job! While waiting the 2 months to get my reply from JET, I realized that I was serious about becoming a teacher and that I needed more teaching experience. A teaching assistant would only get some, but my mind was set on JET. That’s what I wanted. My end goal was always to get a job in Shenzhen, China (I saw pictures once and I was convinced that I had to move there) but I was intimidated by the fact that my Mandarin was poor and that everyone was expecting me to speak Chinese (this happened to me anyway in Japan… the Japanese spoke to me in Japanese as if I were going to be able to reply). I thought that getting in China was going to be hard since they don’t like foreigners (as in, if you weren’t born in China, you will never get a Chinese passport and China doesn’t believe in dual citizenship. If you ever want to become Canadian, you will never be Chinese again – in your motherland’s eyes). My job search in Taiwan failed so miserably so I wasn’t even going to try. After browsing job descriptions, a majority of the positions asked for certifications and at least one year of experience. No one was willing to give me one year of experience. And I needed to conquer my fear of public speaking before heading back to university to get a teaching degree. There was no way I would embarrass myself that way in my own country. 2 years have passed and I am getting my dream job in Shenzhen, China where I’ll be actually teaching to young kids and adults (I guess the experience with teenagers will have to wait). The pay isn’t phenomenal, but the apartment is provided so that is almost a whole entire paycheck stays in my pocket. I got what I wanted without even asking for it.

What is different this time around from the first time I was job searching abroad? I’m doing it for the right reasons this time. I truly enjoy it and I think I have a gift for it. I speak the language. Getting a visa is actually really easy. I made a lot of amazing new friends this year that I didn’t turn away because I was going to move countries and make “better” or “more interesting” friends. I actually sorta get along with my family now. I dress better. I lost weight. I am not looking to particularly move forever, I am OK with the idea of growing old here and spending the rest of my life in this country and, hell, even this city. Even if I am not in Japan, I feel like I actually accomplished what I wanted for myself right in my own city. Except for keeping a super amazing and awesome traveling blog.

What was I doing properly? I was going where the wind blew me. I accepted it and moved on with my life. In the end, I got exactly what I wanted for myself. Or, I guess, I met people and did things that helped me gain enough confidence to go after what I actually wanted without much effort. Ask yourself “does this feel right? Do I actually want to do this? Or am I just doing it for bragging purposes or am I doing it because I think I should be?” Doing things for the wrong reasons (like to prove a point, to make yourself more interesting, to run away from who you are) will always – or just in my case – explode in your face with fury. And when you do things for the wrong reason, you will not have the will to fight back. Listen to yourself, get to know yourself, follow your heart and if your desires are pure, you will get what you want.

In short, I think bad taste in men comes from “what you think you deserve” or your belief that one person can be “too good for you”. You have to be honest with yourself here. I gave up a long-term relationship because I realized that I was only with him because he had good marriage potential. He loved me but I didn’t love him and I knew that it didn’t feel right. I wanted to give my mother grandchildren and I felt a bit pressured. So I gave that up, and my love life is still at a standstill (gotta admit that I was never truly over this relationship) and instead, I was given a couple of male friends with such amazing platonic love for me (and I know because I tried to bring it elsewhere to no avail… it didn’t feel right but I felt so loved and cherished as just a friend that I was convinced that there had to more be there). What I didn’t get in physical needs was more than made up by the incredible emotional support I was given instead. I have never, not even for one second, felt unloved. Is falling for all your male friends who have given you any kind of emotional support considered “good taste in men”. Since none of my efforts were successful, I would still put that in the “bad taste in men” pile. What happens from here? Only time will tell, but I think that for the first time in my life, I am on the right track.

(and I guess just for Google: I have horrible taste in men, I have bad taste in men, how to get better taste in men, why do I always fall for the wrong guy, why do I have bad taste in men, bad taste in guys, i have horrible taste in men, why do i have such bad taste in men, having bad taste in guys)

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