sometimes, you need to make a choice and not look back. it’s easy for me to make decisions for myself, at work or with friends. when it comes to the matter of the heart, it isn’t my decision anymore. to be in a relationship is to give up a part of yourself to become a part of someone else. you both start becoming someone else while remaining you – this works in both friendship and love. i try to surround myself with the best entourage i can find and i can honestly say that some people i met have deeply marked me and changed me.
in no particular order:
kk: i’ve always admired her loyalty and faithfulness towards her friends. so much love and passion; i can honestly say that she’s taken many emotional bullets for me during the past 10 years. i came from pretty dark teenage days; she saved me from loneliness and slowly taught me the meaning of being a good friend. we’ve gone through everything together – the good, the bad, the ugly, the terrible, the garbage, the vomit (we’ve had our share of terrible times – or rather, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and unconsciously dragged her into it). jealousy? yes. you know, if you’re reading this, there was a time when you didn’t like assholes. i remember because i’ve liked them, too…
adi: growing in an asian family with strong chinese roots, i was born and raised to be an unemotional person. adi, as a free spirit, showed me her way to freedom and i learned a lot. we spent about two years doing everything together because we had the same classes. i grew to be a huge hugger, spent more time in nature and getting in touch with my motherly side. i haven’t heard or seen her in years, though we’ve gone through some bad times, i try to remember only the good.
pl: what can i say about the huge vortex that was PL? i’ve always loved music, but pl had really cemented and changed my way of appreciating music. meeting pl made me get my driver’s licence, changed my wardrobe to band shirts and hoodies, decide to get 13 ear piercings (i don’t really know if I’ll really get 13 since i’m only at 5 and I’m running out of places), started my converse shoes trend. meeting pl has made me randomer, friendlier, louder and hellbent on saving everybody’s day one smile at a time. the end of pl has made me start a no-bullshit policy, which i’ve faithfully followed for the past few years.
pae: pae has definitely affected my life. with him, i started my “no shitting where i eat” policy where i have just recently broke (and regret? not yet. there are some things i deal with by avoiding, but this is something i should deal with head on because when it does work, it’s a wonderful feeling). with him, i learned how to be a better leader… there are a lot of things he’s enforced, there are a lot of things he’s created (like a fear of rich people). though, he’s affected my life during the past three years. i’ve slowly realized that the world doesn’t exist that way, and that i just managed to meet all the right people to fuck me up perfectly.
lt: with L, I remembered a lot of things that I forgot… like the fact that I loved museums, that I am Chinese no matter where my mother was born but that I was undeniably Quebecois, too. I learned to be calmer and more forgiving towards my past. as everyone i met in the past slowly ruined me, he brightened up my future pathway, making it smell of honeysuckle and sandalwood ([edit] come to think of it, it smells more like A&F). i look to the past as a part of myself, and view the future as an exciting unknown. I don’t know how to view this, if he had to fix me for the (wo)men to come, or if it were supposed to end with him. everything i thought i wasn’t capable of, as days went on, i slowly realize that i criminally underestimated myself. he sees me for who i will be, but he doesn’t realize that i am not her yet. as i run to become this amazing person he thinks i am, i find myself highly disappointed in my inadequacy. “aime-toi,” he used to say all the time. yes, but, why don’t you start with yourself?
zwz: probably she would be surprised to hear this, but meeting her had made me more accepting and aware of the business aspect of life. her shameless happiness made me realize that enthusiasm could also be a tool in making people’s live better, not just hugs, 3am talks and smiles.
dw: daniel wong. big brother. however you wanna call him. i cannot deny that he was a big mentor in my life. just watching him live in such a typically chinese way made me realize how life can be, how life should be and how life is lived by people who are money-smart. i wish i had the energy to live as he does, but i have always wanted other things out of life. i cannot write a book if i have to constantly worry about the stock market. i chose ignorance to increase my chances at finding inspiration.
i always found laughing to be important. having spent most of my teenage years stressing out over the most embarrassingly insignificant details, i realized that life shouldn’t be taken too seriously. laugh because you can! laugh because life is funny; life is fragile and absurd and trying to change that is funny. people have told me that my laugh makes them laugh; i don’t hear myself laugh and i can’t see the impact of my laughter on others. my laughing is more of a response to someone tickling my cerebral bone than actual laughing. laughing isn’t the key to my heart, food isn’t the key to my heart, music is close, but what really wins me over is someone who can make my heart smile; someone who can make me feel something in my dead, hollow heart.
everyone has taken a piece of me, and by meeting them again, i found pieces of myself that i didn’t know i’d lost. call it cheap time travelling. but every person has brought me a piece that completes the puzzle of me finding myself, and this is what my life has been about so far; to find out who I am and how I can use that to help others.
this year, i decided to go through an isabellian revolution. “change without the e”? eff that! I’ll be ‘is a belle change’. Isabelle defies her car accident by wearing short shorts, skirts and dresses. Isabelle defies her bad grades in gym class by joining a dragonboat team. Isabelle defies her lack of Asian friends by befriending all the ones on her dboating team. Isabelle defies her sister’s horror stories about wearing flip flops by wearing them outside of practice. Isabelle defies her history of short hair by growing it. Isabelle defies her neck allergies by wearing scarves. Isabelle defies her comfort zone by not wearing hoodies. Isabelle defies her lack of femininity and lack of male friends. Isabelle defies her past to rebuild herself from scratch.
I admit that I know nothing. I have my ever-evolving set of opinions and I am always ready to be proven wrong. Ultimately, I have no opinion therefore I don’t like giving them out.
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