love, don’t let me go

my friends have been running around in the land of insomnia for the past few days because of new and old crushes. I can’t remember the last time I couldn’t sleep because of someone… or, rather I do remember too well.

Saosin’s Bury Your Head has a line that says: I’ll sleep tonight when you’re ok / and I haven’t said it’s ok. like I can’t sleep until we’ve spoken and I’m conviced that everything good in the world. That was 5 years ago.

Sometimes I am convinced that I am dead inside. Slowly, everyone I let into my heart made a farce and ate it for Thanksgiving. I don’t remember what it’s like to be alive and not cynical; to giggle in love-happiness. To have a crush on somebody and wonder if they’re into me. I am skeptikal of everyone who shows an interest in me; what is it that they like so much about me and why would they stick it out through thick and thin?

Love is an illusion.

There are so many levels of liking and loving; how do you know which one to pursue? what validates one person more than the other?

As I stare and take too long to ponder, all my options die and life goes on. I wish I could dive in head first and not think, but I know that ultimately I come back to this form of thinking and end up hurting the other person.

I am single because I don’t wanna hurt anybody else. I think that ironically, I am hurting myself in the end. But I am so used to being like this; I don’t even know where to start if I wanted to change.

~ by alittlefish on October 27, 2009.