my life is a stereo

I think people mistakenly believes my life to be easy. I just follow the wind, say and do the first thing that goes through my head: no.

I can feel myself constantly registering information and processing it. In, out, in, out; which information is relevant? Because I am always ready to be proven wrong, I often get challenged and am left to start over. I admit that I know nothing.

Because I bend with the wind, I often find myself never really fighting for anything, or really wanting anything. I am a pacifist. I often wonder if that’s the best philosophy; if I’m floating through life then what is my real purpose?

I don’t really know what I’m doing or who I am. I’m learning to be normal. What is normal but being slightly more reserved and stable? When I bore myself, I do the opposite of what is expected of me or the opposite of what I want to do.

I have a hard time finding myself interesting or worth someone’s time, energy, expectations and dreams. Maybe because that’s how I feel about other people; that’s why I project it onto them. because I don’t appreciate people for who they are without wanting to change them, it’s highly immoral for me to expect to be liked for who I am, and for my shenanigans to be put up with.

I guess in the end, the problem is me. A bad thought = a lack of worth.

~ by alittlefish on October 26, 2009.