Isabelle’s Schedule

Dec 10 to Jan 4, Los Angeles
Jan 4 to 7, San Francisco
Jan 9 to 19, Vancouver

http://anothersummeroutofreach.wordpress.com/

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babas and babushkas

I haven’t felt so desolate and broken since Petros. I have felt for B what I have always wanted to feel for L. True lust and pure love. Put P and L together and you get B, basically. Proic ou Letros.

I feel so hopeless, I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep.

Things that bother me:
-XJS, TJC and even JV have all proven to me that guys can be your friend and be genuinely very caring about you without having a single romantic feeling.

-I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend or if he already has an eye on someone else.

-how can I be so torn and broken up inside if this guy feels nothing? A tsunami devastated all my insides and left everything else intact.

-if there is no tension, then there is no interest. But, I’m positive that HL has never felt a single thing for me and there was awkwardness and self-consciousness there.

-I just feel myself melt when he flashes me a smile but I have the :s look on my face.

-I never realized I liked him until Lizzie mentioned it as a joke and I didn’t laugh ’cause it’s so cliche but oh-so-true.

-I remembered when I said I needed someone to ground me, someone who could lie to me and I would believe them. B gives me such a large boost in my self-esteem. I don’t even know how he does it. It’s not that he lies to me but he has blind trust in my capabilities. Thanks to him, I have almost succeed where I wouldn’t have even tried. He’s a pretty amazing guy and I hope that he knows that.

Where things could go wrong:
-he has a girlfriend
-he’s married
-he has kids
(Not that this has ever stopped me before)

-he’s gay
-I’m not his type
-he’s already interested in someone else

Consequences or examples of things I’ve done in the past:
-I lose a pillar in my life.
-things are super awkward at OSI
-his gf will tell me to stop talking to him
-I will self-sabotage
-he doesn’t want me cause I’m leaving
-I will set him up with the chick he likes and things’ll work out

I fell asleep writing this. This whole liking B thing has kept me up so much at night I can’t sleep anymore and it’s disrupting my life.

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love and all that jazz

It’s hard to explain. I used to be interested in “interesting” guys but those guys aren’t interested in me. I’ve been interested in good-looking guys and didn’t even bother to try to figure out if they would be interested in me. I’ve been interested in “perfect” guys hoping that they would like me, too. I guess what I haven’t done is to try to befriend guys and see if there could be potential there.

I don’t have very many guy friends and I haven’t really bothered. I know that they’re not interested in me.

I can tell when someone is interested in me. And sometimes, I am just oblivious. I am in disbelief that someone could be interested in me. I often feel that someone wouldn’t like me anymore if they found out who I really was. Some guys just have to date good-looking girls.

Befriend dudes? I’ve been working on it this year, no matter how hard it’s been and I think I have some good guy friends but I don’t hang out with any of them one on one cause it’s dangerous for me. What if something happens? Gosh, why do I act like that? Isn’t that normal? Why do I avoid it? I hope I can look back on this entry eventually and laugh at how ridiculous I’ve been.

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cheating and fluid sexuality

I have cheated, and I have helped someone cheat. I have been in one normal relationship and even that is relative.

It’s easy to question. It’s human nature. Quitting smoking helped me understand those who end up in rehab all the time. Not only must you decide to quit and be strong, you have to quit every time the thought crosses your mind. You could be quitting 10 times a day for the rest of your life. It just depends on how strong your will is every single time.

In life, you’re always given the choice to be good or bad, every decision you make will decide that. Sometimes, caving in has no repercussions. Sometimes, it will shit on everything you touch.

I have decided never to go down those paths again. Unfortunately, that has put my love life to a huge halt for many years now because I don’t want to ever hurt someone again or make the wrong decision.

I still think I am too weak not to fuck someone over. I am lonely sometimes, but being lonely doesn’t hurt anybody – just myself.

If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust someone to trust me? I think I am to fear when I get emotional, my sense of logic gets skewed and I fuck people over because I got fucked and need revenge. Stuff/ppl I love = the chance of me being emotional. Stuff/ppl I don’t particularly care for = getting lost and forgotten in the whirlwind of my life. How do I win? I guess I gotta date someone who can reason with me when I get nuts. I don’t think very many people are skilled enough to handle me. And I mean, the vast majority of the population who’ve led sheltered lives. Who do the right thing because it’s embedded in them, rather than because it is a choice.

All of this to say that lesbians fantasies which have been buried and forgotten for about 5 years suddenly came back to the surface. Everything seemed to make sense but it could’ve been because I was dreaming. I am a lesbian. I appreciate the cock but I don’t connect with it. Before this year, I have never fantasized about a man. I set off the gaydar for lesbians – I’m thinking this could be an indication.

Now that I am aware of the depth of my daddy issues, I understand. I let go, and I want to pursue happiness. Even with L being my twin flame or whatever, it doesn’t sound like fun. It doesn’t carry me away in person, just in thoughts. The only thoughts I harbor in men is the hope of being normal one day.

My whole life I’ve been chasing after normal. I wanted to be into sports, poutine, smoked meat… Al the popular things to fit in and be normal. But I don’t like that stuff. I like seaweed salad and frozen yogurt and pate. That’s who I am. And I love women.

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Biggest annoyance in Montreal

The Montreal metro was very in when it was built. A different design was made for each station, no two stations look the same. The STM (the official name of the public transport agency ON the Island of Montreal) even won the American Public Transportation Association award for Outstanding Public Transportation System in North America last year. There’s a sticker on every metro door to remind us of our privilege. I think they use it as an excuse to hike their prices.

Where does this money go? Maintenance? Every week there is some level of the metro being down, be it for 5 minutes, 10 or hours… The STM twitters about it every time their system is down for more than 20 minutes. They pay for these huge TV screens to ADVERTISE in popular stations but as great as this metro might be, with the rise of electronics and smartphones: why haven’t all (or more than the few that is already wired) metro stations been wired yet? I want to goddamn text or use my data in my boring 20, 30 or 40 minutes ride, thanks. When else in the day do I get to sit down, be bored, text, read a book on KOBO and update my apps (on a BlackBerry, I don’t recall being this frustrated on my iPod Touch since they actually download data onto the device, to then be accessible offline). Maybe it’s BlackBerries, maybe it’s all the devices but let me fkn text while I’m in the metro. Especially when I’m running late.

Filed under: 2011

it’s been a while…

Surprisingly, I posted in here last year before leaving for Japan. Since getting out of the food industry, I lasted about 8 months and went back to it… This time at Subway next to Dawson College.

I feel like I’ve grown so mature since December, I was broken down and torn apart a couple of times this year but I can’t avoid everything forever.

things that sucked career-wise:
Japan
Les Promotions Synergie
Getting back into the food industry
… trying to fit in where I don’t belong

things that sucked for my heart:
XJS/MC
HWY/JV
LT/MDJF again
… just being friends with guys I’ve liked

Things that went well
-the gym
-saving up (although not as well as I hoped)
-Blood Lipstick at the songwriting workshop
-horseback riding
-learning Japanese
-good volunteering experience
… staying focused and taking chances
… figuring out what I want

My life is so incredibly busy these days, I wish I could complain about it but I do love most of it. I dread the lack of sleep, but I don’t dread my life.

I also realize that there is plenty of potential all around. Potential love life around every corner, I just don’t pursue anything, that’s why I fail. I say things like: oh I don’t have time, it’s not in my plan or I’m waiting ’til I live by myself but this is all excuses. I am full of shit. I just have a hard time showing people who I really am. Also,

…

CAN YOU REALLY KISS SOMEBODY LIKE THAT IF YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN THEM, JEEZ :(

Anyway, back to the 日本語の宿題!

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MNIKKS: ep 7/24mins in
nae-ga pong-ni-nya
‘don’t take me for granted, i’m not for sale’

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bad friends

Every once in a while, I get disappointed by my friends. And, right now, I’ve realized a big fucking flaw in my friendship with D.

I’ve been questioning it for a while, but right now, I can honestly say that I’ve had enough. She’s always been the one to cancel on me for the dumbest reasons… canceled and lied, too! Canceled cause she’d rather go to Moomba, canceled cause she wanted to sleep (cause she spent the whole night before just making out with her boyfriend) and canceled cause she got home at 7AM… alright?? Thanks?? I’ve never canceled on her and she throws her cancellations around like they’re nothing.

You say that I’m your sister and that you’re gonna miss me?? But you disrespected my wishes on Wednesday… you said it was gonna be just me and you and KK and there were other people there. Why was I lied to, just so I would show up? What about Wednesday when I said I didn’t want a crowd and C was there? Not that I don’t like her but she doesn’t respect my wishes, I was cramped, I was tired, I wanted to go home… if she wanted to hang out with me then why was everyone there?? If she wanted to please me, then why did we go to Marven’s on Friday? I’ve never wanted to go there.

She puts all that effort into making new friends and neglects the old ones. I think I’m gonna do the same.

I’ve always been an eye for an eye.
I was gonna be OK with her coming on Friday to see me off, but I really don’t wanna see anyone else other than KK. I don’t feel like putting up with that on my last day here.

I think it’s mostly gonna be interesting for me to separate from my life here entirely and see what sticks afterwards.

I admit to being complacent. I don’t want to be that way anymore, though, which is why I’m looking forward to reinventing myself, starting anew. Find out who I really am, or if I will be the same person my whole life. I’d like to move towards the spiritual and benefactoral side of me.

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